Regeneration

So it’s been almost a year since my last post and I’ve decided it’s time to revive this blog. Today will just be a quick rundown on how things have been.

My divorce is officially final. The finality of it hit me in such an unexpected way. I was surprisingly unprepared to read the words, “Your divorce is final.” And suddenly, I was crying with such a ferocity that I couldn’t breathe. The overwhelming feeling of the moment was failure. I had failed and was now an OFFICIAL failure. Even though I have moved on in my life and am much happier now that I have ever been, I still feel the crushing weight of this defeat.

An unexpected result of this dissolution has been the change in my daughter. Instead of being withdrawn and distant from me, she has become warm and more empathetic towards me and her peers. She is beginning to understand the impact of her words and actions in a way that I truly didn’t think was possible for her. She still struggles at times, but I’ve really come to understand that we ALL do, and I’m beginning to learn to give her grace and take the good days  when they come.

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So.

Some thoughts as my ex-husband and I enter into new relationships.

This is hard. So very hard. I am having a harder time with this than I thought I would. As I see my ex give his new girlfriend the love and affection I begged him for, there are so many thoughts I am having. Was I not good enough for it? Was I not worth the fight? The effort? The journey?

Was I ever loved at all?

 

Yes. I was. But not in the way that I wanted. And not in the way he wanted either. This is why we failed. We were wrong for each other, but due to our desire to not look like failures, we stayed in a marriage that was wrong for us, and wrong for our daughter. We were teaching her that “love” meant sitting on the couch, not speaking, looking at our phones and spending time in separate rooms. We were showing her that love was not hugging or kissing, or holding hands in public, that love was boring and gray. Now we are showing her that love is going out for adventures and  holding hands so tightly that sometimes it hurts. It means sitting in a different kind of silence; one that is full of satisfaction and contentedness.

She is seeing that it’s okay to leave if you aren’t happy. That her father and I, and herself in extension, are worth so much more than a mundane life. We all deserve the happiness we are pursuing. noring