Wow. It’s been almost a whole year since my last blog post! I’ve really let this part of my slide because so much has been happening. I will try harder in all things, particularly this blog, this coming up year. But we’ll see how successful I am because I’m fairly certain almost all of us say that as it year closes and we sneak closer to January. This is just a check-in, more in-depth nonsenses will come later.
So far 2017 has been kind of awful. My fiance (yes I am both engaged and recently divorced. Don’t you judge me!) has been hospitalized and diagnosed with MRSA. While he recuperates, I am at home, alone, waiting and spending my time being terrified and tearful. I wonder, is the depression I am feeling a natural low? Is it a side effect of the worry? The numbness I feel and the emptiness. Normal reactions to fear when faced with terrible illness? Or is this just….. Me?
I feel as though my emotions are either too grand or not enough. I am either made of dust or fire, nothing in between.
So it’s been almost a year since my last post and I’ve decided it’s time to revive this blog. Today will just be a quick rundown on how things have been.
My divorce is officially final. The finality of it hit me in such an unexpected way. I was surprisingly unprepared to read the words, “Your divorce is final.” And suddenly, I was crying with such a ferocity that I couldn’t breathe. The overwhelming feeling of the moment was failure. I had failed and was now an OFFICIAL failure. Even though I have moved on in my life and am much happier now that I have ever been, I still feel the crushing weight of this defeat.
An unexpected result of this dissolution has been the change in my daughter. Instead of being withdrawn and distant from me, she has become warm and more empathetic towards me and her peers. She is beginning to understand the impact of her words and actions in a way that I truly didn’t think was possible for her. She still struggles at times, but I’ve really come to understand that we ALL do, and I’m beginning to learn to give her grace and take the good days when they come.
Some thoughts as my ex-husband and I enter into new relationships.
This is hard. So very hard. I am having a harder time with this than I thought I would. As I see my ex give his new girlfriend the love and affection I begged him for, there are so many thoughts I am having. Was I not good enough for it? Was I not worth the fight? The effort? The journey?
Was I ever loved at all?
Yes. I was. But not in the way that I wanted. And not in the way he wanted either. This is why we failed. We were wrong for each other, but due to our desire to not look like failures, we stayed in a marriage that was wrong for us, and wrong for our daughter. We were teaching her that “love” meant sitting on the couch, not speaking, looking at our phones and spending time in separate rooms. We were showing her that love was not hugging or kissing, or holding hands in public, that love was boring and gray. Now we are showing her that love is going out for adventures and holding hands so tightly that sometimes it hurts. It means sitting in a different kind of silence; one that is full of satisfaction and contentedness.
She is seeing that it’s okay to leave if you aren’t happy. That her father and I, and herself in extension, are worth so much more than a mundane life. We all deserve the happiness we are pursuing.
Today marked the one year anniversary of the passing of my friend; the one who’s pain inspired me to start this blog. I know I don’t post much, but, I feel as though it is better to post when my heart is in it, than to post fluff on a daily schedule. Right now, I can feel the pull of the down slope. Every minute tears are right behind my eyes, and my heart aches with the beginnings of a familiar emptiness. The tilt into depression is worsened by the pain of remembering my gorgeous friend. However, I am strengthened by her to not allow myself to succumb to the fog in my brain. I’m not going to pretend I’m “fine,” but I’m also not going to let my depression cover me like it has so many other times. I will remember her face, and plant my feet firmly on the floor in the morning to get out of bed. I will remember her generous spirit and NOT forget to take my medication. Her laugh and love will keep me going through the day; even when I feel like giving up. When my feet are leaden and my heart feels hollow, I will remember Melissa. I will honor her memory by fighting for my life and holding up those who are in the trenches of depression with me.