Recently, someone close to me revealed that in the recent weeks, they had briefly considered ending their life. I don’t mean they had stared down the barrel of a gun, or even stopped momentarily in the painkiller aisle at the grocery store and considered, “Which one would help me go fastest?” It was a fleeting, preliminary thought, but enough to make this person actually ask the Internet how to end their life in a quiet, pain-free way.

Do you know what Google says when you ask it this question?


This was enough to give them pause.

This message, posted at eye-level. Above the pro-suicide blogs, the nonsense articles about the “best” ways to remove yourself from life. This.

Hearing this story makes me feel like I’ve lost balance. It’s completely thrown me off because everything I thought I knew about the last month or so of my life is wrong. Every conversation I have had with my buddy has been veiled in a pain that I understand so well that it wrenches my heart out of my chest to know they kept it from me. And even worse, that I didn’t see it.

But what good does it do to throw myself into that black soul-sucking pit as well? Bad back or not, the only thing I can do it throw down a rope and slowly try to pull my friend up and out. Hopefully, along the way, I will gather friends, family and counselors behind me to help.

I just want you to know, that the hole in my heart would never heal if you were gone.

4 thoughts on “Gyroscope

  1. I appreciate the sentiment behind your post, and in no way do I imply that you don’t have the right to your opinions or the right to air them, but I just wish you hadn’t called blogs about suicide “nonsense”. It takes a lot of pain and misery to push people towards ending their lives. And it takes a hell of a lot of courage to own up to something like that as well. These people who blog about their pain and despair are taking a huge, bold step in coming out with their darkest secrets. And they (me included) need words of support. I hope you understand where I’m coming from. It’s great that you want to be there for your friend; but know this, there are millions out there who don’t have anyone to fall back on. I wish you peace.

    • You misunderstand. What I mean are the blogs that inform of the best ways to end lives. The ones that give resources to people, especially to younger people, about the effortlessness of snuffing yourself out. I have read blogs that tell of the exact weight and dosage of meds to take the quickest route, where to go so as to leave the smallest mess for loved ones to deal with, how to write a poignant note; etc. These are not the blogs we need. These are nonsense. I absolutely do not mean to degrade the bravery of writing about THOUGHTS of suicide. It is hard, and talking about pain is a huge and important step and I wish more people took the time to find and respond to them. I’m glad you responded here and I hope you read my reply. I am not heartless and I would never belittle someone writing of their pain. If you read my blog, I, too, write often of my own.

      • I’m happy that it was just a misread. I have read some blogs like the ones you mention, though less than you have I’m sure. I found some subtly written in order to discourage suicide. Anyway, that isn’t the issue. I’m just happy you understand people who blog about their depression or attempts at killing themselves. Not many do.

  2. I’m posting this on behalf of a friend who would prefer to remain anonymous:

    In December, I lived through a harrowing experience with my daughter taking pills because she was ‘done.’ The drive to her university was four hours of pure torture. The day and a half in the ER because they didn’t have an ICU room available was hell. Watching her be loaded into an ambulance and taken to a facility for drug abuse was hell. She’s now on anti-anxiety medications and is handling everything much better. I’m thrilled she’s made such a recovery. My life would have ended with hers, had she known any better what pills to take to hurt herself.

    In January, and again in February, my travel companion threatened suicide in such a way to make it conversational. I was terrified. I spent two years talking him through various things prior to this, things which I understood made a person consider suicide. These two threats came from his desire to have me love him in a manner I am not able. And they continued to come after he went back home, so I had to involve his parents.

    In February, I found out that one of my oldest, dearest, most wonderful friends held a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. Luckily, he’d removed the bullets the night before, despite being exhausted when he returned from his motorcycle trip. It was enough of a wakeup that he took his gun to a friend and asked that it be locked up in a safe, and he went to a VA clinic and asked for help.

    Thankfully, I lost none of these important people. I would have been greatly saddened to lose either of my friends, and if I’d lost my daughter I don’t know how I could possibly have moved forward with my life. Suicide is something that haunts even the strongest, most together people we know

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